Shhh! 10 Alternative Expletives for Parents


alternative expletivesOnce I knew I was pregnant, I realized a lot was going to have to change. For instance, my signature karaoke song (2 Chainz, Where U Been), but less specifically, my loose lips. Soon my daughter will repeat everything that I say, which, while usually hilarious, is often wildly inappropriate. I have resolved to clean up my vocabulary, but still keep it colorful. That’s why I created a few expletives of my own and revived a few classics. Enjoy these fresh phrases and their zombie cousins:

1) Dadburnit

Chase stress away by shaking your fist dramatically and yelling “Dadburnit” in those moments when your home is so messy you secretly wish it would burst into flames so you can start over from scratch. Example: “How do we even own so many dishes? Dadburnit! Dadburnit to the ground!”

2) What the Fluff

Real talk, “fluff” is a word I say way too much. But as long as I actually say fluff, no harm done! You can utilize “fluff” countless ways, but my personal favorite is “What the Fluff”. Example: “Your dog pooped on my lawn and you’re just gonna leave it there? Like what the fluff, dude?”

3) Get Stuck in Traffic 

Obviously, “burn for all eternity” is not the sentiment you want your kids sharing on the playground. Even the slightly tamer “go play in traffic” still implies a gruesome end. However, getting stuck in traffic IS torturous and suggests you’d like the offending party to skedaddle without any of the morbid overtones. Example:  “This is the third time I’ve asked you to stop ranting about your 9/11 conspiracy theory, Tom. Get stuck in traffic.”

4) Holy Buckets

The juxtaposition between reverence and ridiculousness makes this one fun to shout! Bonus points: add “of _____” to tailor this one to the situation. Example: “Holy Buckets of baby poop, that is one stinky diaper!”

5) Pupped Off

Puppies are gonna have accidents sometimes, no use crying over stained rugs. If you’re having trouble controlling your fury, try focusing on their furry little faces. Alternatively, express your rage while still looking on the sunny side. Example: “It really pups me off when you use MY expensive shampoo on the dog. But I must admit, her fur has never had more bounce.”

6) Son of a Biscuit

An utterance of shocking physical pain like when you accidentally pop open a can of biscuits and are ambushed by the dough. Bonus: the giggle you’ll get from saying “son of a biscuit” may help mitigate the guilt you feel for never making them from scratch. Example: “Son of a Biscuit! With the right pressure behind it, dough is surprisingly dangerous!”

7) Jeepers Creepers

Avoid taking the Lord’s name in vain by sounding like you’ve taken a Delorian back in time. Can be shortened to simply “Jeepers” if you want to save two syllables. I get it, you’re busy, you’ve got history to alter. Example: “Jeepers, that part in “Back to the Future” where Marty’s mom has the hots for him is all kinds of creepy.”

8) Curmudgeon

You would NEVER call anyone the other “c word”, even if they were being surlier than Garfield on a Monday. Really, there’s no need when you have such an elegant, hilarious alternative at your disposal. Example: “You’re being a real curmudgeon, Katie, I’m gonna need you to cheer up and stop sucking all of the life out of the room.”

9) Kiss My Flapjacks

Handy to express apathy, but use sparingly as it may cause an intense hankering for pancakes. Example: “Oh, you don’t like the breakfast I just slaved over! The biscuits that definetely did NOT come from a can? Well you can just KISS MY FLAPJACKS!”

10) Raisins

This popular snack can be used to describe those times when you thought something was going to be awesome but it just doesn’t live up to the hype. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with dyhydrated grapes, except of course, that if they were living their best life, they’d be wine. Example: “Raisins! I thought this was an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie, but it’s actually raisins! This cookie is NOT worth the calories”. Don’t worry about logging it, I won’t tell.

What’s your favorite saying to blow off some steam? Comment with your catchphrase, all the cool moms are doing it.