In case you missed the memo, prying about a person’s reproduction plans isn’t cool unless that person is your partner.
During my first pregnancy, someone I hadn’t seen in about five years decided she needed to know whether the impending addition to my family was a surprise.
As my sweet husband pointed out afterwards, it’s highly possibly she had never met anyone who got pregnant on purpose. Point taken, but just because some people have no class doesn’t mean the rest of us have to suffer their disrespectfulness in stunned silence.
So, in honor of my second pregnancy (see how I slipped that in there? Don’t ask questions, either tell me I’m glowing or get me some chocolate) enjoy some snappy retorts if someone asks YOU whether your pregnancy was prayed for or part of the 10 percent failure rate of the pull and pray method.
“What an interesting question… did you plan to ask me that or was it a surprise for both of us when it came out your mouth?”
This reply, best delivered with a genuinely quizzical expression, is pretty tame. Use it on someone you like enough to spare their feelings then change the subject to something neutral like binge-worthy television. Sidebar: Is anyone else watching Harlots? The dialect is a little hard to follow but the plot is riveting.
“Yeah, we have to plan our date nights or they’ll never happen. Are you and Tom still having spontaneous sex?”
Answering a super personal question with an even more personal question is evil genius level brilliant, but proceed with caution, it’s possible you’re talking to someone who actually enjoys exchanging way too much information. They opened the can of worms afterall so don’t be surprised if they like watching them squirm. Save this response for someone you know well enough to know whether it’ll shut them up or fuel their fire.
“Why? Did you need some pointers? I didn’t know you were trying… you know my best advice is just KEEP getting back on the horse.”
Winking and nudging are unnecessary, but may take this retort from mildly uncomfortable to extremely awkward if you’re into that kinda thing. If the person indignantly tells you that they are NOT trying to get pregnant simply say, “Well that’s your business, I was just being supportive.” If that doesn’t help them realize that reproduction is a private matter they’re denser than a Sequoia.
“It was just like that Drake song — God’s plan… (to be sung as loudly and off-key as possible) God’s plan, God’s plan I can’t do this on my own, ay, no, ay”
Feel free to continue screech-singing until the person who asked you this question starts searching for something they can use as emergency earplugs.
“Of course not, surprises are SO much fun, don’t you think? Wait, don’t answer that…it’s too late now if you hate them.”
No matter what, REFUSE to explain what you mean. Oscillate between grinning mischievously, cackling maniacally, and steepling your hands like a Disney villain but do NOT explain yourself. Your victim will likely be wondering what sort of shenanigans you’re planning for months to come. If they bring up “the surprise” again later just say, “Oh, you’ll see soon enough.” Repeat until one of you dies.
“Planned? Pffft, I’m not even sure whose baby this is! Thank God for Maury, right?”
Ready to make that busy-body in the grocery checkout line blush? Bust out this jaw-dropper. Bonus points: Demand a high-five, especially if your fingers are so swollen you had to stop wearing your wedding ring.
“Of course I planned to get pregnant. You wanna see my to-do list from February 24th? It has my husband’s name on it and a check mark beside it so you KNOW we got it done.”
Equal parts provocative and snarky, this answer probably isn’t ideal in a professional environment but feel free to utilize it in any atmosphere where everyone else is drunk and you’re stuck pretending you actually enjoy ginger ale.
“Well, kinda… in the heat of the moment my man did scream ‘I’m about to get you pregnant!’”
Make sure you do your deepest, most macho voice when imitating your partner to really sell it. Bonus points: Draw attention to your assailant by screaming in a public setting, eliciting stares and snickers from surrounding strangers.
“Did you know that only about 50% of pregnancies are planned? So odds are that if THIS one was intentional then when your Momma got knocked up it was an accident! Aren’t statistics fun?”
Serve up a side of knowledge with your snark to soften the blow before you get SUPER personal. Reserve this response for someone you prefer to never speak to again. Same goes for their Momma.
“Well I used to think babies came from storks so this was a REAL shock. Still, not as embarrassing as that time my apartment got infested with mice because I kept feeding them, thinking they would make me a dress or at LEAST help with my chores.”
This charming reply is a real life-saver if there are children present, all the better if they belong to the person asking. They definitely deserve to answer a few awkward questions on the car ride home.
What completely inappropriate questions were YOU asked while pregnant?
Feel encouraged to share your snarkiest responses too! We might not be able to rid the world of rude people but together we can strike fear in their uncivilized hearts.
