Let’s change the narrative of motherhood

I closed the freezer door in the local Walmart and tossed the frozen broccoli into my buggy. My oldest two children spotted the ice cream and immediately I saw their eyes light up with what I knew would turn into a chorus of, “Mom, can I have….?” 

Whatever my answer was, it was cut short by my toddler trying desperately to climb out of the front seat of the cart, thwarted by the blasted buckle. 

It wasn’t an overly dramatic scene, nor was it a loud one. They were behaving pretty well and I was feeling quite accomplished in having made it almost out of the store with no major issues. I turned the corner into the final aisle, the produce section, when an older woman, looking bewildered, stared directly into my eyes and stated, “Wow! You are SO brave to come in here with ALL THOSE CHILDREN.” 

My thoughts raced and I thought about how many times I’d heard similar comments about how HARD it is to have children, as if I didn’t already know. 

Comments like, “Oh, no. I’m not keeping my grandchildren. I did my time.” as if raising her children had been a prison sentence. 

Or, “Wow. Your hands are full!”  

Or my favorite, “Don’t you know what causes that?”

What I don’t seem to hear as much is encouraging comments- comments that, if heard by a younger woman, might lead them to think, “Wow. Being a mother may have its hardships, but I know it will be rewarding.” 

We’ve come such a long way in our willingness to open up about our struggles as mothers and we still have so far to go in this area. 

But maybe processing the hardships in light of the blessings and the lessons is how we will best be able to encourage other young mothers to have hope. 

I’m currently in what I have been calling my “second stage” of parenting. My first-and and second-born are now in school after having homeschooled for six years. My youngest two are four and 16 months, almost exactly the ages that my oldest two were when I was in the “first stage.” We have also adopted an 18-year-old. 

But, what I am finding in the second stage is how much more joy I’m able to find in the little ages, how much easier it is to ignore the discouraging comments in public, and how much more able I am to answer those comments with graceful answers that leave room for encouragement to anyone listening- including my children- that having kids isn’t a burden. It’s a blessing. 

Now, when I hear the comments, I am able to reframe them and I encourage you to practice this art as well. 

“Wow. Your Hands sure are full.” - “Yes, but so is my heart.”

“Don’t you know what causes that?” - “Yes, a healthy marriage and a calling from God.” 

“I did my time.” - “That sounds like you had a very hard time raising your children. I am grateful for the support system I have in place.” 

It’s so important as women to gently nudge others into reshaping their mindsets. We can’t force it, but each time I have offered these responses, the person who made the original comment took pause and acknowledged (or at least back-peddled!) that their comment wasn’t necessarily a helpful one. I’ve even had multiple women who “did their time” begin to reminisce about some of the lovely things they miss about raising their children. 

Motherhood is hard. But it is also such an amazingly rewarding gift, shaping us into better people ourselves if we will respond with action as it reveals our faults to us. 

May we, as women and mothers, be intent to reframe the comments of those around us and be bold to reshape the beliefs surrounding motherhood. 

And if all else fails, we know as southern women that we can always offer up a passionate, “BLESS YOUR HEART!”